Area Man’s Relationship With Right Hand Loses Spark

“It’s not you, it’s me,” sighs Planert, as he glumly tries to memorize the Sun Salutation. - photo by Hannah Weil

Aurora Le

After years of a fiery, passionate relationship, mostly due to the copious use of a mixture of Icy Hot and Vaseline, area man Thomas Planert has finally lost interest in his right hand.

It was late Tuesday evening when Planert had been reported as missing to authorities, on account of his frequent nightly calls to Lava Life Chat Line ceasing for almost a week. This was highly uncharacteristic of the talkative Planert and led Beth, a telephone operator, to become extremely concerned.

 “Tom, or as he liked me to call him, ‘Red Velvet,’ had been a devoted customer for years. He was a friendly guy. As friendly as a lonely man with eight chinchillas can get,” said Beth. “Anyway, when he stopped calling I got freaked out because he could have been dead and, like, I totally wasn’t making enough money to pay my utilities bill.”

However, Planert was later found safe at home crying over a stack of old Playboy magazines, trying to explain to his fist that “it’s not you, it’s me.’”

Thomas had been experiencing an unusual numb sensation in his right wrist two weeks ago during his afternoon whack-off session to “The Big Bang Theory” and decided to call his general physician in hopes of remedying the issue. Dr. Liam Guthrie diagnosed Thomas with carpal tunnel syndrome.

“He had been clearly overexerting his median nerve,” Dr. Guthrie explained. “The human body just isn’t made to do that frequent, vigorous type of action for hours on end without physical consequences. Plus, doesn’t he know if he masturbates he’ll go blind and grow hairy palms!?!”

In lieu of this new information, Thomas has decided to sign up for some yoga classes to increase his flexibility and purchase a PedEgg so that he can utilize his far superior, more attractive appendage — his left foot — to fulfill his pent up sexual frustrations. 

“I know I need help,” Planert admitted sheepishly, “but it’s become a necessary part of my everyday life, like brushing my teeth or eating food … except to pictures of huge jugs.”