Kagan Wins Appointment, Hearts of Primetime Viewers
Kagan smiles bravely after swallowing nine more hissing cockroaches than Rush Limbaugh. - photo by Divya Bhat
Vanessa Zurita
When Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens announced his retirement, rumors of his replacement spread through Capitol Hill like Nancy Pelosi’s syphilis. President Barack Obama declared that there were far too many worthy candidates to choose from; thus, the people must select the nation’s next influential lawmaker in a televised talent contest called “America’s Next Supreme Court Justice with the Stars.”
Twelve potential justices shared a house in South Beach, Fla., for 13 weeks under the fear of being voted off each week. The 12 contestants were chosen after a nationwide search beginning in the Midwest and ending in the White House Aide recruiting agency. The candidates, chosen for their extensive knowledge of constitutional law and clear complexions, included Monica Lewinsky and Rush Limbaugh, as well as dark horse Elena Kagan.
“It is time for America to make decisions in the open and allow the American people to decide who is going to be making judicial decisions for the next 20 or so years … depending on who makes it through the final challenge: hope,” Obama said in a press statement.
Politicians across party lines have been avid supporters of the reality show. Former president George W. Bush said that the reality show idea is a wonderful addition to democracy and spreading the message of the “freedom that all real Americans are entitled to. What’s better than watching your future justice get down and dirty on TV?”
Every week someone was eliminated after various themed competitions. The first elimination occurred on the third day of filming after “Latin Night,” in which the contestants cooked different Mexican dishes, attempted to cross through a pretend border fence and watched the telenovela “El Amor de Maria y Jesus.”
Limbaugh was sent home that night in a surprise double elimination, along with Kate Gosselin. “Kate was eliminated because she could not cook a decent quesadilla to save her life,” said an anonymous source who works on the show, “and Rush was eliminated because he couldn’t sit through one episode of ‘El Amor de Maria y Jesus’ without shouting at the TV, ‘This is America: speak English!’ and ‘Where did all these brownies come from?’” referring to some spicy Mexican-style brownies that Gosselin had cooked.
Contestants were also required to stitch together judges’ robes using only a button, a piece of string, and glue while Tim Gunn walked around mumbling “Fabulous!” and “Make it work!” Other competitions included competitive mud wrestling, grooming each other, and judicial tasks such as deliberating for extraordinary long periods of time and then making meaningless decisions based on events that were decided hundreds of years ago.
Kagan was finally narrowed down as the winner of the final challenge, “competitive weasel chasing,” featuring Sarah Palin, the original political television darling, as the guest judge.
When reached for comment, Kagan proclaimed, “I’m just so happy that I won this competition. I mean, I was the first female dean at Harvard and have been solicitor general for a year, but nothing compares to the thrill of holding 30 lithe, writhing little bodies to your chest.”
Kagan extended her thanks to her fans for propelling her new career in government through their support. “Your texted votes mean more to me than any presidential nomination,” she cried tearfully, unwittingly sending a nearby Obama into a dark, insecure depression.
