New Lead Tape Cuts Inefficiency, Lifespans

“I’m mellllllllllllllllllllllting!” cries John McCain after a playful BDSM with an aide scenario goes awry. - photo by Divya Bhat

Kyle Lazzarevich

Political analysts nationwide had something new and exciting to analyze yesterday, as the federal government released the much-anticipated findings of a long-term study on bureaucratic efficiency. The study, which involved infusing the traditional red plastic tape used by the government with the poisonous element lead, reported a 30 percent increase in efficiency coupled with a 50 percent decrease in the life expectancy of involved government officials.

“Since the founding of our great nation, we have been plagued by an infectious scourge that haunts every hallway of our government,” said Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.), who headed the bi-partisan committee overseeing the recent study. “This is why [Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.)] and I have set aside our differences and joined forces in mutual disgust to eliminate this horrible disease: bureaucrats. Ugh! Good God. What are they good for?”

Boxer then handed the microphone over to McCain, who simply replied, “Absolutely nothin’, baby.”

The research and development team on the project was initially concerned by the production cost of the new lead tape. At $15 a roll, the lead tape is approximate $15 a roll more expensive to produce than traditional red tape, which began reproducing asexually in the late 1970s and has not been purchased since.

However, as the poisoning set in, the pros of the project slowly began to outweigh the cons. By the third month of the study, the cost-benefit ratio evened out, and savings began to expand far beyond the cost of implementation.

The new tape is approximately 60 times heavier than the original, which resulted in a quicker state of exhaustion among bureaucrats who handled it, leading to a higher frequency of vacation and sick days. Researchers were happy to report that this also produced a type of targeting effect, as only the most dedicated and anal retentive of bureaucrats were willing to continue using the heavier tape on a regular basis, exposing themselves more frequently to the poisoning and subsequently dying sooner.

“We estimate that the premature deaths within this most dedicated upper echelon of bureaucrats account for upwards of 75 percent of the recorded increases in efficiency and fiscal savings,” said Dr. Carl Graves, head researcher with the government study.

He continued, “Plus, those guys were mainly just a bunch of dicks who pissed us off all the time, so we were happy to see them go.”

Further applications of lead tape have been considered, including within the Department of Motor Vehicles and the administrative offices of public universities. However, the effectiveness of the tape in such settings is still a matter of uncertainty.

“We conducted a trial run among the administration of UCSD, but the results we collected were highly — how do I put this — let’s just say ‘anomalous,’ and leave it at that,” head scientist Carl Graves commented.

According to the most recent official report, it appeared that UCSD’s lovely Chancellor Marye Anne Fox and most of her loyal Vice Chancellors had developed an unnatural immunity to a vast majority of toxins and poisonous materials in their years in office, including lead, cyanide and iocaine powder, to name a few.