John Muir Turns 40, Divorces Wife, Buys Lamborghini
John Muir and a fellow environmentalist embrace the world’s mightiest sequoia. - photo by Tim Etler Drew Stark
John Muir shocked his friends and family last Wednesday when he unexpectedly announced at his 40th birthday party that he planned to divorce his wife in an attempt to radically change his current lifestyle. The news came as a surprise to everyone except for his wife, who had reportedly “stopped putting out until she got a brand new car.”
Muir’s wife of 17 years and their three children were then immediately asked to leave and not to return. A limo full of prostitutes and strippers arrived shortly afterwards.
At the birthday celebration, Muir announced, “For far too long I’ve been trapped in a life of eternal vigilance, educating people about the beauty and majesty of nature for nothing but the gratitude of millions of people. How do you people expect me to feel fulfilled with gratitude from millions of people? I’m just a normal guy like everyone else. All I want is a good steak and a dead hooker to pass my time with.”
He added, “I don’t even fucking like nature. Everybody knows that animals exist to keep meat warm, and trees are just eyesores that block views of beautiful industrial refineries.”
Muir followed this announcement by unveiling the new Lamborghini he had purchased in order to taunt his former wife about her previous demands. The Lamborghini was specially ordered by Muir to consume three times the standard amount of gasoline used by a car that size while at the same time using freshly cut redwood trees as a supplemental energy source.
Muir commented on this feature by saying, “I haven’t been polluting as much as a normal American so I feel like I’ve got to make up for lost time. I made sure my baby was a mean, green energy-destroying machine.”
Scientists predict that after five years of use, Muir’s Lamborghini will have pumped enough pollutants into the atmosphere to, in effect, skip the effects of global warming and go directly to an ice age.
For the past 40 years, Muir has led a rich life combating environmental destruction and establishing national parks to preserve the large stretches of forest and wildlife. Environmentalists have championed Muir’s work for being revolutionarily farsighted and ensuring a stable future, while failing to do anything similar themselves.
Recently, Muir was awarded California’s highest honor for environmentalists, a place on the state’s commemoration quarter. This is an honor that has only been received by one man before Muir, the legendary lumberjack Paul Bunyan. Bunyan protected America from the threat of encroaching pine trees for decades before he was finally felled by a particularly fierce shrub.
Muir addressed this honor at his birthday as well when he said, “Does it strike anyone else as odd that the greatest honor an environmentalist can receive in this day and age is to have their picture engraved on a bunch of little metal bits dug up from the ground?”
He added, “It’s shit like this that makes me want to give up helping the world,” before giving up on the world forever.
