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In a groundbreaking study released Monday, National Institute of Health discovered the presence of Bisphenol A in toxic waste. They expect that this discovery will prove invaluable to the “millions of Americans consuming toxic waste on a regular basis.”
The discovery has incurred the wrath of health-conscious citizens who worry about the effects of the BPA they have already encountered. “I think it’s irresponsible of the government to pretend that toxic waste didn’t have all these harmful side effects,” nutritionist Heather Jamison said. “How do they expect us to make educated decisions when we aren’t informed of these trace amounts of dubiously dangerous chemicals?”
Recent tests suggest that consumption of the tainted toxic waste may render women barren. This news, however, has not dissuaded thousands of young adults from descending into the oily green-brown pools en masse.
“Free birth control!” Anna Frenson screamed, licking sludge from between her fingers. “Toxic waste never tasted so good.”
