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Volume XVI Issue IV February 3, 2010 Lies With a Grain of Truth
celeb
“Mommy's very angry.” — Nicole Teixeira
Editor in Chief, The MQ
UC SAN DIEGO
Hungry Child Eats Portrait Artist’s new shading technique deemed unflattering.
YOU WILL BE NEXT The rest will learn.

Misguided Student Opens Emergency Container

The frantic Carter exclaimed, “We’re gonna need a bigger boat-plane!” The frantic Carter exclaimed, “We’re gonna need a bigger boat-plane!” - photo by Tim Etler
Brian Damp
Staff Writer

UCSD campus police are on alert today upon receiving news that a shark tornado had been unleashed last night. According to early reports, Muir College sophomore Joseph Carter accidentally liberated the swarming vortex of sharks around 1 a.m.

Carter, interviewed in the hospital while undergoing treatment for minor loss of most of his body, explained he had begun the evening at Geisel Library, “droppin’ acid” with friends and “flipping through books of Monet paintings to see which colors tasted the raddest.”

Claimed the sophomore, “You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted ‘Impression, Sunrise.’ I mean, really tasted it.”

After the library closed at midnight, Carter spent 15 minutes hiding from “some ugly-ass creeper” who had followed his every move at the entrance. Upon realizing it was his own reflection, he remarked, “Mirrors, man. Cosmic. How the fuck did I get in there?” From here, the student tripped aimlessly across campus in search of some food.

After a failed attempt to climb the stairs at Goody’s, which reportedly “just kept fuckin’ going forever, man,” he retreated downhill a short way to search the inside of one of the campus’ many emergency containers, which he thought might contain some form of free sustenance or “at least a fuckin’ cot and some cans of Spam.”

Upon opening the container, Carter was suddenly and violently knocked to the ground and horrifically assaulted by a swirling vortex of more than fifty voracious sharks. After consuming both of the impaired sophomore’s arms and one leg, the shark tornado whirled off in the direction of Price Center in search of more prey, or possibly some Burger King chicken sandwiches.

In a statement to students and local media, UCSD Chancellor Marye Anne Fox offered her condolences to Carter and anyone else caught the shark tornado’s horrific path.

Fox explained that the campus emergency container program was created in 1977 in order to safely contain crises created by the newly developing biology research and experimentation programs.

“Our students were doing great things for the advancement of medicine and the understanding of biochemistry,” Fox said. “However, they’d also like to get pretty high and screw around in the lab on the weekends, often producing terrifying creations that threatened the safety of campus.”

She added, “In a way, Carter was lucky. There’s a container in Revelle that holds 25 clones of Richard Simmons who have been biologically engineered to forcefully keep ‘sweatin’ to the oldies’ without rest or respect for privacy.”

Fox went on to accept responsibility for the reemergence of the shark tornado crisis, admitting, “I guess we probably could have made the phrasing on the container a little more clear and invested in some locks or something. Our bad.”

To this she added with an overt chuckle, “But could you imagine the look on that guy’s face? I mean he was already trippin’ balls, then a shark tornado? Probably shit his pants. Priceless.”

As of press time, the shark tornado remains uncontrolled on campus, feeding on Warren rabbits during the day and drunk sorority girls on their walks of shame at early hours in the morning.

Campus police chief Orville King stated, “We would warn all students on campus to just stay in their dorms or in libraries as much as possible for safety’s sake, but that doesn’t seem to be an issue.”

NEWS
IN BRIEF

Winter Olympics Happening, Apparently

A variety of sources report that some sort of massive sporting event is set to occur within the next month.

The event consists of a series of ludicrous physical challenges like skiing at 60 miles an hour into poles stuck in the snow. The winner of these sporting events will result in the right to stand on a slightly higher table than those in their immediate surroundings.

News experts suspect that this event may be a mass conspiracy by the world’s major news outlets. Certain details — the fact that the Winter Olympics will take place when Vancouver won’t expect snow, for example — indicate that the event is a poorly thought out hoax intended to inject life into a slow news week.

“We can only send children up in balloons for so long,” CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, an Olympics doubter, explained. “People have to sweep ratings somehow, and recycling clips of Sean White from years past just might do the trick.”

Top Ten

Things JD Salinger Did in the Past 40 Years

  1. Ran for office, won, stepped down gracefully
  2. Finally figured out Friday’s New York Times crossword puzzle
  3. Invented the Internet
  4. Genetically modified a unicorn and killed it with his bare hands
  5. Recreated the Sistine Chapel in his toolshed. WITH TOOTHPICKS.
  6. Became a recluse and a crime fighter
  7. Tapped the wiretappers
  8. Found out where ducks go in the winter
  9. Became obsessed with “Field of Dreams” and “Finding Forrester”
  10. Spent his time on cuteoverload.com saying, “This is the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”

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