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Volume XVIII Issue III November 30, 2011 Keeping you warm in those harsh winter months.
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The fact that I am the dad is the most surprising thing. — Justin Bieber
UC SAN DIEGO
Safari Participant Mounts Elephant Tourists go along for the ride.
Law Enforcement Abuzz Over Prank Police plan sting operation to catch perpetrator.

2000 Year Old Buildings Still More Stable Than Greek Government

Thankfully, ancient Greeks had the foresight to install anti-looter incendiary devices. Thankfully, ancient Greeks had the foresight to install anti-looter incendiary devices. - photo by Ben Steen
Robin Betz
Design Editor

Despite nearly two millenia of looting, earthquakes, and fires, the stately buildings of ancient Greece have proven themselves more reliable than the government of the country, which has been plagued by riots, a debt crisis, and an inability to explain why its people eat things other than baklava.

The new Prime Minister Lucas Papademos was quick to point out the importance of a relationship between the government of its country and its buildings. “We must be strong. We must be tall. We must put lovely people inside of us.” he said.

Although the Papademos Administration passed a parliamentary vote of confidence, ordinary citizens are not so optimistic about the government’s longevity. “When a pillar collapses and falls down a bunch of stairs, it’s awesome,” one teenage tourist said. “But when some old guy does? Lame-o.”

“I don’t know how much I can trust the Greek politicians,” tourist Maria Stolichnaya said while at the Temple of Apollo. “The country’s colossal debt and parliament’s mismanagement thereof puts the entire Eurozone at risk of financial collapse.”

“Ooooh, look at the pretty columns!” she added.

The buildings themselves declined to comment on their relationship with the Greek government, with responses ranging from the Parthenon’s half-ruined, stately magnificence to splashing sounds from the ocean near the Acropolis of Athens.

“If only we were so wise,” Papademos said while at the Erectheion, “that we would stand in spite of our critics, saying nothing, content in being able to endure through the ages and remain hard.”

Many Greeks agree with Papademos, and admire the buildings’ constancy and dedication to the country’s economic viability. “Aside from coming to eat really good food, why else are people going to give us tourism dollars?” said one government representative.

However, a strong minority of Grecians disagree with Papademos and argue that the buildings’ stability came with too high a cost. “Papedemos is endorsing a profoundly unjust society based on slavery and an oppressive, classist patriarchy,” activist Accalia Hadjinpapakostandinopoulos said.

Greece’s new government is currently deciding on how to tackle the country’s mounting economic and social problems. The government’s ongoing operating expense is substantial. Although Papademos’ administration has means of supporting these overhead expenses, consensus has not yet been reached on which approach to take.

“I can’t decide between Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian!” said one frustrated member of Greek Parliament.

NEWS
IN BRIEF

House On Rooftop, Apparently

For the last few weeks, some students have reported seeing “some crazy ‘Wizard of Oz’ shit” on the top of EBU 1 in Warren. “Fallen Star,” the brainchild of Korean artist Do Ho Suh, is the newest piece in the Stuart Art Collection, which is regarded by some as the most impressive art collection in the entirety the University of California, San Diego campus. It joins the ranks such acclaimed art compositions as “Plain Looking Drinking Fountain” and “Some Granite Blocks Near a Soccer Field.”

Student responses to the piece have been overwhelmingly tepid. Sixth College Sophomore David Burke reports that the 1.3 million dollar feat of engineering ingenuity is “pretty cool, I guess.”

Tiffany Chen, a Junior from Muir, said the 70,000-pound structure jutting precariously from the 100 foot precipice was “A fun idea.” “I like the color,” Chen said. “Sky blue is nice.”

When reached for comment about the second art piece installed in Jacob’s School of Engineering, Dean Frieder Seible replied, “Second? Art? Oh, cool! Those boulders look like a bear!”

Top Ten

Similarities Between Your Preschool Friends And Your Friends Now

  1. Awkward sleepovers
  2. Get cranky without a nap
  3. Can’t really read
  4. Don’t have any money
  5. Drunk most of the time
  6. Have a crush on a 12-year-old
  7. Won’t be moving out of their parents’ houses any time soon
  8. Tell you what they want to be when they grow up
  9. Giggle incessantly at the word “penis”
  10. Still dead from that fire

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