Misguided Student Opens Emergency Container

The frantic Carter exclaimed, “We’re gonna need a bigger boat-plane!” - photo by Tim Etler

Brian Damp

UCSD campus police are on alert today upon receiving news that a shark tornado had been unleashed last night. According to early reports, Muir College sophomore Joseph Carter accidentally liberated the swarming vortex of sharks around 1 a.m.

Carter, interviewed in the hospital while undergoing treatment for minor loss of most of his body, explained he had begun the evening at Geisel Library, “droppin’ acid” with friends and “flipping through books of Monet paintings to see which colors tasted the raddest.”

Claimed the sophomore, “You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted ‘Impression, Sunrise.’ I mean, really tasted it.”

After the library closed at midnight, Carter spent 15 minutes hiding from “some ugly-ass creeper” who had followed his every move at the entrance. Upon realizing it was his own reflection, he remarked, “Mirrors, man. Cosmic. How the fuck did I get in there?” From here, the student tripped aimlessly across campus in search of some food.

After a failed attempt to climb the stairs at Goody’s, which reportedly “just kept fuckin’ going forever, man,” he retreated downhill a short way to search the inside of one of the campus’ many emergency containers, which he thought might contain some form of free sustenance or “at least a fuckin’ cot and some cans of Spam.”

Upon opening the container, Carter was suddenly and violently knocked to the ground and horrifically assaulted by a swirling vortex of more than fifty voracious sharks. After consuming both of the impaired sophomore’s arms and one leg, the shark tornado whirled off in the direction of Price Center in search of more prey, or possibly some Burger King chicken sandwiches.

In a statement to students and local media, UCSD Chancellor Marye Anne Fox offered her condolences to Carter and anyone else caught the shark tornado’s horrific path.

Fox explained that the campus emergency container program was created in 1977 in order to safely contain crises created by the newly developing biology research and experimentation programs.

“Our students were doing great things for the advancement of medicine and the understanding of biochemistry,” Fox said. “However, they’d also like to get pretty high and screw around in the lab on the weekends, often producing terrifying creations that threatened the safety of campus.”

She added, “In a way, Carter was lucky. There’s a container in Revelle that holds 25 clones of Richard Simmons who have been biologically engineered to forcefully keep ‘sweatin’ to the oldies’ without rest or respect for privacy.”

Fox went on to accept responsibility for the reemergence of the shark tornado crisis, admitting, “I guess we probably could have made the phrasing on the container a little more clear and invested in some locks or something. Our bad.”

To this she added with an overt chuckle, “But could you imagine the look on that guy’s face? I mean he was already trippin’ balls, then a shark tornado? Probably shit his pants. Priceless.”

As of press time, the shark tornado remains uncontrolled on campus, feeding on Warren rabbits during the day and drunk sorority girls on their walks of shame at early hours in the morning.

Campus police chief Orville King stated, “We would warn all students on campus to just stay in their dorms or in libraries as much as possible for safety’s sake, but that doesn’t seem to be an issue.”