Obama Appoints J-Lo to Secretary of the Posterior

“Now that Obama is president-elect, he throws the best parties!” says President of Ghana John Kufuor. - photo by Tim Etler

Nicole Hansell

President-elect Barack Obama is taking great care to surround himself with the perfect cabinet during his last few months of freedom — one composed of individuals who best represent “the change we need.” In a startling statement released this week, he announced a new cabinet position: the secretary of the posterior.

When asked for the reason behind the new position, Obama said, “The reason behind it? Honey, the reason is the behind.”

According to inside sources, Obama searched far and wide for a candidate with the perfect “assets.” Former vice presidential candidate Gov. Sarah Palin was first in line to apply for the position, arriving in a bright red suit freshly dyed with the blood of small woodland creatures.

“I needed someone with more pizzazz,” said Obama after rejecting Palin. “I believe the correct terminology is one who has a ‘badonkadonk.’”

After interviewing thousands of what some have called “bootylicious women” nationwide, Obama finally found what he had been looking for. With a record 26-inch waist and a 39-inch rear end, actress and recording artist Jennifer Lopez was the ideal candidate. Lopez is best known for wearing revealing outfits, making music videos and being ostentatiously Latina.

Although Lopez has never held a position as a state official before, she recently issued a statement saying, “I’ve known what it’s like to work under intense pressure and public scrutiny ever since the ‘Bennifer’ incident of 2003.”

Obama carefully examined Lopez’s resume by spending his weekends with his wife Michelle watching “Gigli,” “Maid in Manhattan” and “Monster-in-Law.” Obama later told the press, “I was so impressed with Miss Lopez’s body of work that I invited her to join me in my journey as president of the United States. She will be an asset in the ups and downs, valleys and crevices, dimples and cheeks.”

Critics, emphasizing experience as an important characteristic in a member of the cabinet, questioned Lopez’s qualifications. Obama assured reporters that she is more than competent, remarking, “She’s got dumps like a truck.”

Lopez’s future responsibilities will include tasks such as wearing tight dresses, bringing the president his coffee and “dropping it like it’s hot” in the Oval Office. When asked by Obama, Lopez was more than happy to accept the position, telling reporters, “I’m very excited to help President Obama watch America’s ass, just as they’ve watched mine.”